Oedipus Margarita
by High Roller Yunalesca
Summary: [Requested by Trollface Mastah and lexboss.] Pearl's got a problem and it's up to Steven to solve it... with his healing tongue. Rated M for a reason.


**A/N: This is an early Valentine's gift for both Trollface Mastah and lexboss; both of them requested me to write a Steven/Pearl story and I figured I could kill two birds with one stone here. So yeah, this is it. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to start working on my essay for English Comp II. (For those of you worried about _Young and Beautiful_, rest easy for I shall be working on chapter 8 soon.) Read and review.**

Inside the Chalcopyrite palace, the royal court prepared to hold a ceremony for four Gems who were to be knighted that evening. Though the white Gem Queen Pearl was rather happy about attending this marvelous event, she wasn't sure she'd actually be able to keep herself from complaining the whole time about her infection down there. Still, she did not consider herself to be a weak woman; after all, if she could survive having her own hologram literally stab her from behind in the gut, nearly being assassinated twice (once by her own mother, no less), and giving birth to twins without resorting to a magic-assisted Caesarean section, then she was confident she could get through a cloacal infection.

Anyway, the finishing touches of the ceremony had just been added when the first guest of honor, Aegirine, arrived. Aegirine's gem was greenish-black and located at the front of her pelvis, happily exposed only by 20% so the whole world could see that remarkable jewel. Her skin was a lighter hue of that color, but her long elbow-length hair was totally black and her eyes were a golden brown. Her body itself was ruler-shaped and barely measured five feet.

"Good evening, Your Majesties." Aegirine greeted Pearl and her wife Garnet. "I hope I'm not too early."

"No, Aegirine, you arrived just in time." Garnet said. "Would you like to socialize with us before the rest of the guests of honor arrive?"

"Certainly!" the greenish-black Gem perked up. "Where do we start?"

"First off, why don't we introduce you to our Chancellor?" Pearl suggested. "He's incredibly nice. I'm sure you'll love him."

Aegirine couldn't exactly be sure whether or not to believe the white Gem Queen, but she decided to go along with it anyway. As the three ladies walked down a corridor kept secret to the public, they came across a long and overly-complicated Byzantine door made of petrified wood. Upon opening it, they entered into a large double-windowed room that was mostly drowning in pink and had a vermillion chandelier hanging from the ceiling. There was a queen-sized bed at one end (which Aegirine found amusing, considering Steven had come alone when he first became Chancellor) and a large petrified wood desk that could be used for strategizing, writing out laws to give to the Queens and/or eating alone.

"Um... where is he?" Aegirine couldn't help but ask when she noticed his absence.

"He should be here any minute now." Garnet answered.

Just as she said this, Steven finally made his entrance into the room.

"Oh, there you are." Garnet said. "Our first guest of honor just arrived." She gestured her hand at the greenish-black Gem standing a few inches away.

"This is Aegirine. We'll be knighting her for her heroism in saving a priestess of her country from self-destructing."

"Really?" Steven smirked. "Wow, that's certainly amazing of her to do."

"Sir?" Aegirine asked. "Is it alright if you tell me your name?"

"Yeah, my mother named me Steven."

"Really now? I'd've thought your Gem mother- pardon me for guessing that, by the way -would use a more... traditional name, that's all."

"Well... yeah, she did name me that and she _was_ a Gem." He tilted his head in confusion. "I don't mean to come off as rude, but how in the world did you not know this already?"

"I had a very sheltered childhood, sir." A few beads of sweat had formed on Aegirine's face and were now sliding down to her chin. She turned to Pearl.

"Your Divinity, I had no idea he was half-human. Do the others know this, too?"

"Oh yes, they do." Pearl returned. "I'm sure the rest of the nominees are aware of that as well, but who knows? Would you like to meet the children?"

"I'd love it!" Aegirine perked up.

"Garnet, take her away." the white Gem Queen imperatively said. "I'd like to speak with Steven alone."

The hot pink Gem Queen did just that and left with Aegirine. Pearl then diverted her attention to her surrogate son.

"You wanted to tell me something, Pearl?" Steven asked now.

"Yes, well, I've got a problem."

It took a minute before Steven came up with a response. "...please tell me you and Garnet haven't been drifting apart."

"Don't worry, Steven. That's not the case. What I really need your help with is my cloaca."

"W-What's wrong with your cloaca?"

"It's infected and I need you to lick the pathogens all away."

"I don't know, Pearl. You seem pretty capable of handling an infection down there by yourself."

"Well, I'm more concerned about the knighting nominees noticing than I am about trying to fight it off."

"So... you want me to use my saliva to cure your infection? What's in it for me?"

"I'll tell you what: if you do this before the rest of the nominees show up, I will warp up Hitomi and the kids so they can visit you. Is that a deal?"

Steven nodded and rejoined, "If it means I'll see my kids before my next visit, I'll do it." He eyed the white Gem Queen from top to bottom in preparation and then said, "I gotta say, Pearl. It might be a little weird doing this since you helped raise me and all. Do you know of any spells that might fix that?"

Pearl let out a hefty sigh.

"Well..." she began. "I managed to get ahold of a mind-altering drug while I was on a missionary trip visiting the Vivianite tribe. It's made from Scorpion Powder and... something else. I think the shaman said something about it being mixed with opium and cocaine, too, but I couldn't make out what else she was saying for the life of me." She produced a small cylinder vial of the stuff from her dress and then unscrewed the top to open it. "Why don't you go first?"

"If I survived tripping on Scorpion Powder, then I guess I could survive... this." he reluctantly decided.

But before he could go ahead with consuming the powerful psyche-warping drug, he shapeshifted into a pink iguana with black spikes and claws. He then stuck his reptilian tongue out and lapped up a bit of the powder, leaving the rest for Pearl. Not too long after that, the hallucinogenic powder started taking effect on his brain and he proceeded to begin eating away at the infection down there. The white Gem Queen seemed almost completely zoned out herself, so much so that her cloaca had apparently become numb of all sensation. It didn't even seem to hurt her when he somehow managed to stick his head up there!

"Is this bothering you?" he asked, his words barely audible.

"Why don't you ask again when the universe ends?" she slurred a bit. "Then maybe it'll be worth it."

He decided to ignore that non-sequitur and continue. About ten Earth minutes later, he was finished but the two were still high on the powder they'd  
ingested.

"Dear Chrysoprase, I do believe that was _amazing!_" Pearl was continuing to slur under the influence. "Thank you, Steven. Thank you! Now come on! We got to get to the ceremony before anybody notices we were gone!"

Thankfully, that they did and soon they were in attendance as Aegirine and three other Gems stood before them, Garnet and a couple royal guards who were borrowed from the Iolite Empire for this special occasion. The other three Gems were the tall and handsome reddish-violet Ussingite, the cherub-like light pink Sinhalite, and the inverted triangle-shaped mauve Taaffeite. Like Aegirine before them, they were to be knighted for their heroic achievements. Out of courtesy, all of them were poker-faced.

"Aegirine, Ussingite, Sinhalite, Taaffeite," Pearl began. "now is the time for you to receive your honors among the other heroes of Chalcopyrite." She then turned her attention to a handful of Gems watching the ceremony. "And I'm sure you're all anxious to know why we're knighting them this evening."

She summoned her spear and firmly grasped it.

"Right." Garnet added. "Aegirine, come forward."

The greenish-black Gem did so, albeit quietly.

"Aegirine, for stopping a priestess in your country from exploding," Pearl continued. "I dub thee Lady Calaverite Aegirine de Pyroxene."

The white Gem Queen proceeded to then gingerly touch the tip of her spear to the right and then the left shoulder of the newly-knighted Gem. Just before Aegirine stepped aside, though, she was given a silver pendant with a carved marble face.

"Do you feel that you've earned this?" Pearl asked after this.

"I believe so, Your Divinity." Aegirine said.

"Now you will have as much publicity and wealth as you can imagine."

"Golly! Publicity and wealth?"

"Yes, m'lady."

Next up was Ussingite. He seemed much more confident this time around and his gait, which was somewhere between a power walk and a canter, really showed that.

"Ussingite, for eradicating a sentient virus that nearly hit a Vivianite village," Pearl resumed. "I dub thee Sir Ussingite de la Pietersite."

She repeated the dubbing process and gave him a bronze pendant engraved with an image of a bacteriophage.

"I hope you'll take pride in what you've done to earn this." Pearl said.

"I'm doing that right now, Your Divinity." the sleek reddish-violet Gem assured her. "Wait until Queen Olivine hears about this!"

"That's good."

"Thank you. When we're finished here, I'll show this pendant to her first thing."

Soon after, Sinhalite (who'd managed to prevent the assassination of an ambassador of the Menolite tribe at the last second) and Taaffeite (who'd returned Heliodor and Selenite's koi fish to the sacred temple in Tourmaline) were dubbed and given words of encouragement as well. The four knights were then escorted by the royal guards to the triclinium for dinner, leaving Steven and Pearl alone once again with Garnet.


End file.
